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Give Me a Second Go
Part of the Songfic Series. OA is Lights Written by Red Give Me a Second Go How many times will the clock go around? The sun's circle in the sky mocks me as I sit in the shade of the warriors' den, my head on my paws, watching her assembling patrols. I feel as though I sit like that, the sun circling up into the sky, down past the horizon, up again...down again, forever and ever, for moons and seasons...watching her. How many times will my head hit the ground? "No!" she cries, a fake memory planted in my head. "No, never!" Refusal. It's worse than a clawed face from an enemy warrior, dissent fighting me like teeth on a ShadowClan warrior. "I'll never be your mate," she swears, her green eyes glimmering with triumph at my loss for words. "Never." How many coffins before there's a crown? A second imagined refusal. A third. A fourth. And then, finally...an acceptance. Her eyes shining as she says yes, her purr, her fur fluffing up with happiness and her confession of love...snap out of it, Shadefrost! It'll never happen, it'll never be a battle won! How far will I fall 'til the alarm sounds? I watch her plunge down into the tunnels. How far will she go, how far will she fall until she hits the bottom of the tunnel, until the little warning erupts in her head saying, "Don't go further, don't go further!"? How long it will it take for her to realize that I am her warning, I can help her? How can you love me when I am ugly? Her face, swimming in my mind, a tangle of faded scars and hurt eyes, as she reacts to my response. "I can't take them, I'm not!" I half-yell at her. "They're not ours!" "So?" Her hurt voice is quiet, and I feel like bowing my head in shame. I can just imagine what she's thinking, Is it because I'm ugly that you don't...is it...why shouldn't you want this kit? It wouldn't be ugly like me if it were my offspring...'''bitter thoughts, swirling around her head, I imagine. '''Guess I can only hope I guess I can only hope that she still does love me, that she knows I'm not moony about Sunwing, that it's her! I watch her retreating back, wishing I could take back all of the words I had said, wishing that StarClan would push me back in time. Give me a second go, don't leave me alone Don't leave me with no one, let me have another try, I'd beg after her, if only she'd let me talk to her! But she refuses to let me speak, refuses to hunt or patrol with me alone, always in a group, always polite and reserved...I feel completely alone. You saw me at the worst, caught me falling first I was just annoyed, I would plead. Please! I was just so stunned and astonished, but I was annoyed to, I felt just out of my apprentice days, I felt like I wasn't doing anything right, it wasn't her, I would've taken the kit any other day. All I wanted to know...give me a second go I just wanted to know, I just..I didn't want to have to cause you all that thirst for...revenge, I didn't...I just wanted not to have to harbor some violation of the warrior code! Let me retry that moment, I'd beg. No matter the weather, there's never a break Even if the sun is shining and it's greenleaf, I won't get a break from her evil glares, the same as if there's snow dusted on the ground, she'll still stare at me with icy dagger eyes... Conquer a ladder, then slip on a snake We wouldn't argue or disagree for a whole patrol, hunting or marking the border, I'd try to talk to her, then we'd hear a kit squeal, her gaze would harden, and she'd turn away, washed over by the memories of that kit, Littlewing's, and she'd forget about me, about the success we'd had that day...lost in the single mewl of a kit. Cried til my river turned into a lake I'm standing on the banks of the lake, looking out over the still, silent, night water, yowling my grief until I hear Sunwing creep up behind me and settle down next to me, purring, giving Rainsong the whole wrong idea, messing up our relationship. Sunwing brushed the tears from my fur and watched the small puddle around me form into rivulets and flow towards the lake, making it look like the whole lake had come from me... And I'm wondering now before it's too late I'm wondering if she still hates me, if it's too late to try and rebuild our relationship. "Please, I wasn't trying to hurt you," I whisper, tossing in my sleep. Some of the senior warriors blink blearily and raise their heads, before dismissing me with a flick of their ears and sinking back into their nests. It's too late, I can tell... How can you save me when I am angry? She wouldn't have been able to rescue me that day, the day of refusal. She wouldn't have been able to help me, to salvage me or the kit, with my annoyance blinding my vision, twisting my mind, making me think other things. I was just angry! There was no way she could drag me out of that stupor. Reasons I'll never know Other things that dropped my esteem in her eyes, small gestures that I knew not of, actions like the catching of prey, the fighting off of an enemy warrior. Things I said that upsetted her, things that I'll never know... Give me a second go, don't let me go alone Don't make me...let me try again, please! Don't leave me alone with Sunwing, she's not...she's not for me, if you know what I mean...I'd fumble over the words though, and then she'd shun my uneloquence, and then...I'd really be alone. You saw me at the worst, caught me falling first "I just wasn't right!" I mutter in my sleep. "I was at my worst, don't judge me..." The warriors around me grumbled at the disrupted silence, before curling back up in their nests. All I wanted to know, give me a second go "It was all I wanted to know...let me retry..." I beg. One to five, I'm half alive The sun is barely up, and yet I'm awake, half conscious, half not. I can barely see her in the haze I call my vision, and it's like I'm half-dead. Six to nine, I'm out of line "Shut up!" I snap at the sunset patrol. "Just shut up!" The warriors shrink away from me as I swing my head around, and hurry away from them, angry, though somewhat ashamed. Ten to twelve, I'm not myself "Don't come near me!" I'm yelling after my hunting patrol. "Get away from me!" They glare at me, some hurt, some angry and annoyed, me, a junior warrior, shouting at the senior warriors and few apprentices. By the millionth time I cry Then I'm sitting, alone in the warriors' den, as the rest of the warriors are sharing tongues, casting me glares and annoyed looks as I feel tears slide down my face. "I'm not..." I whisper to no one, and no cat looks around at my small voice. Give me a second go, don't let me go alone "I promise--" "I can't accept any promises from you," she says, her green eyes filled with hate as she stares me down, daring me to be the first to break our silent gaze. I look away, awkward and ashamed. "Don't leave me alone," I whisper, but she's already turning away. You saw me at the worst, caught me falling first "I was angry," I call after her, but she's already half gone. "Don't leave me...I didn't mean it." "I don't know what you mean or didn't mean, Shadefrost," she snarls. "But...but whatever you do or don't do...don't include me." All I wanted to know "Why?" Give me a second go, don't let me go alone "Why? Why?" she repeats it, her voice filling with disbelief. "Why, Shadefrost, you..you fox-heart, you snake-heart, you...you dung-brain, why?" You saw me at the worst, caught me falling first, "Just the worst...I wasn't myself," I insist, and her eyes soften... All I wanted to know, give me a second go "I just want to know..." Give me a second go, give me a second go, again "Come on, please..." Give me a second go, don't let me go alone "All right...all right, Shadefrost." Rainsong smiles, though I sense her slight reluctance. "You won't be alone." Category:RedPandaPotter's Fanfics Category:Songfic Category:Songfic Series